10 More Excuses for Bagging Thanksgiving Dinner with the Family
by Amelia G
(1) Claim you were just promoted to Lord G-d King at work and the only catch is you have to work Thanksgiving.
(2) Mail your relations a bunch of paranoid articles about the dangers of travel.
(3) Move to an even more distant country. (My parents weren't sure they could continue to avoid these things while living in Brazil so they moved to New Zealand.)
(4) Put a gigantic turkey bone through your septum piercing and insist on wearing it throughout dinner. Maybe they will be too disgusted to invite you back next year.
(5) Refuse to eat any of the food put in front of you because you are on a hunger strike to protest the reprehensible treatment of Native Americans. Make loud comparisons to Nazi Germany. Maybe they will be too pissed-off to invite you back next year.
(6) Wear a ten inch Doc Johnson Realistic strap-on under your dress but act otherwise normal. Maybe they will be too weirded-out to invite you back next year.
(7) Engage your elderly and/or traditionalist relatives in a vigorous debate over whether you should get your penis removed before or after the boob job. Maybe they will die on the spot.
(8) Explain calmly and rationally that, although you like many of your relatives independently, as a group they make you nauseous.
(9) Commit suicide the day before you are supposed to drive up.
(10) Go to the event. Bring your significant other. Be on your best behavior. Make sure your lover is also on his or her best behavior. Both of you can be friendly, polite, and conservatively well-groomed. That way, when your family is totally rude and acts like they don't remember you said you want to marry this person, you can -- you can -- you can, uhm . . . well . . . you can write hostile little zine articles and feel much more self-righteous about blowing off Thanksgiving with the Insensitivity Posse.
My grandmother tells me everyone always asks for me. I usually take the mature approach and deny the validity of this claim. Then I call my parents in New Zealand at eighty cents a minute and complain. They used method #10 as well so they understand. (Not kidding.)
