Your kindly Uncle William has often said that if only he had a reasonable stipend and the freedom to kill one person a month with total impunity, he would be free of these dizzying headaches and the compulsion to jerk off into the hot bits of the copy machine at work.
If you are like me, in that you say things like this in public and don't have indulgent family members in the senate or the mafia, these few simple rules will no doubt serve you well on the day the line for the copier is just too long:
Never Murder Anyone Richer than You -- see People vs. Menendez. Even dead rich people have money for shithot lawyers.
Never Murder Anyone More Famous than You -- see People vs. Manson. Famous people already have tons of great photos of themselves for the press to use. You will have a mugshot, and worse yet your yearbook photos. God help you if your scumbag friends sell the Enquirer those shots of you posing with weapons while plastered.
Never Let Your Scumbag Friends Help You Murder Anyone -- see People vs. Manson again. Good 
friends are usually impulsive, creative, and conversational. Charlie's were, and he's about to reach retirement age in solitary.
Helping People Kill Themselves Doesn't Count -- see People vs. Kevorkian. Making people write convincing suicide notes at gunpoint is challenging work, however.
Giving People Heart Attacks during Sex Doesn't Count -- see Nelson Rockefeller.
Extra points if they die while trying to lick you out of your latex bike shorts.1
Now go ye forward and slay the tardy pizza boy.
1 Volunteer murderesses may contact Kindly Uncle William care of this publication.
