In the past, I have sometimes achieved success with my New Year's
resolutions. And sometimes I, uhm, haven't experienced what
you'd really call unqualified success.
1988 Resolution:
Not to see the inside of a hospital or a courtroom for a whole year.
1988 Result:
Got in a grisly car wreck with an ambulance and was tied to a board and forcibly
taken to the same hospital the ambulance was dispatched from. Where the doctors
then proceeded to cut off a bunch of my hair. Even though it was my back and legs
which were injured. Most puzzling.
Was arrested for what the police code technically referred to as "criminal mischief."
1989 Resolution:
Not to see the inside of a hospital or a courtroom for a whole year.
1989 Result:
Had a guy driving a pick-up truck threaten to rape me in the road 'cause I
was driving too slow and he could tell I wasn't "from around here." (I
think the fact that I was obviously in the process of moving at the time
was the tip-off.) Then I got to experience the joy of him deliberately
ramming my car (which was filled with all my worldly possessions at the
time.) Won $1,500 dollars after taking the pick-up driver to court
where he was convicted of "improper driving."
Hospitalized with back spasms from too many car accidents.
1990 Resolution:
Not to see the inside of a hospital or a courtroom for a whole year.
1990 Result:
Succeeded on the hospital front because I lost my insurance. Was
scheduled for court four or five times.
1991 Resolution:
To meet a nice boy and get a regular job which
paid better than freelance writing or being a stagehand.
1991 Result:
Sold my first men's magazine freelance article.
Started dating women.
1992 Resolution:
To meet a nice boy and get a regular job which
paid better than freelance writing or being a stagehand.
1992 Result:
Met a nice boy. Got a job as a sales clerk in a sex shop. Was
lucky enough to get the job three months before the owner fired
everyone else including her own daughter for stealing from the
store. Got promoted to manager.
then proceeded to cut off a bunch of my hair. Even though it was my back and legs
which were injured. Most puzzling.