I was a guest at a 25,000 person comic and gaming convention near Florence. Scheduled to start on Thursday and run through Sunday, it got off to a slow start. In fact, it didn’t start until Saturday afternoon. For a change, this was not due to the convention organizer having a spat with his boyfriend.

Like all countries, Italy has way too many cops and their jurisdictions all overlap. So the organizer had paid off all the police organizations he needed to except one: the military police, the Cabineri.

No, the convention was not being held on a base, nor did there appear to be any other reason for the military to have any interest -- except the bribe money. Well, to make a long story short, the con finally paid off the right people and the pigs finally let in the hordes which had been gathering outside for two days. That’s when the true evil that is conventions struck me.

First of all, conventions allow social deviants and misfits the opportunity to interact and acquire social skills. Since societal unity requires that these outcasts provide everyone else a rallying point to attack, letting con-goers socialize risks eliminating an important group of easy targets.

Second, conventions provide a forum for debate and discussion. As people should only get their opinions from culturally sanctioned media outlets, allowing

Third, conventions promote problem solving and compromise. Con-goers interact in a friendly environment with like-minded people and learn to settle most of their differences in non-confrontational manners. (I did say most, didn’t I?)¹ Because only by polarizing people can we keep them from becoming dissatisfied with their pitiful lot in life, these talents must be avoided.

Finally, con attendees enjoy themselves far too much. We all know that a life of weary drudgery is the only way society can maintain itself.