1. Declare war on your neighbors: In the long run, it just saves a multitude of troubles and time if you just alienate them right off the bat. You'll get the peace and quiet that only comes from being the forbidden house on the block; and the neighbors can liven up their otherwise dreary existence speculating about "What goes on in that house?"
2. Never have an ex-dominatrix heroin addict stripper for a landlady: Take it from me, if the head of the household fits even one of the above criteria, you're better off at the YMCA.
3. Never store food at home: It will disappear faster than you can say, "But that was the last of my paycheck!" Eat out, or acquire a taste for weird food that no one wants anyway. No one ever tries to Bogart my string cheese! [According to Kangal's housemate Tony Tribby, string cheese is not nearly weird enough for safety. And he ought to know. --Ed.]
4. Never clean, sort out bills, buy all the toilet paper or do any other kind of chores: Before you know it, you'll suddenly realize you're the only one performing any upkeep; and when that happens . . . BANG! You've suddenly become everybody's mother! Everything is now your responsibility and your fault. Sucker.
5. Use disposable dishes: You'll never wash the real ones you use anyway. In a group house environment, used dishes and silverware once discarded metamorphose into a large amorphous mass with a tough, impenetrable exoskeleton and a frighteningly bad odor. These fierce parasites guard the sink from intruders and consume dishwater and paper towels at an alarming rate. Disposable dishes and silverware can often be stolen from restaurants and 7-11's; or if you're really enterprising you can buy all your dishes cheap from thrift stores. When they're all dirty, toss them and go and buy more.
6. Do not own a large car: That is, unless you're really fond of being treated like the FedEx boy. Due to my ridiculously huge station wagon and my generous (read: gullible) nature, I had to move people and/or things 10 times last year. Roommates in and out, pets to their rightful owners, failed artwork to the dump, you name it. Think Civic, Chevette, Miata, Unicycle.
7. Never, ever, have sex with a roommate or allow a sexual partner to move in with you: That way madness lies. You'll be up to your ears in psychodrama. It's one thing to lie or tease someone's mate over the phone; it's quite another to have them kicking doors down in the morning, throwing phones, etc. (Group housing is very hard on interior floors and drywall.) And G-d forbid you wind up being the only one in the group house not getting any. Then you get the dubious privilege of having to listen to everyone bitch and moan about their sex lives, which is about as much fun as getting your teeth pulled by an auto mechanic.
8. Use firearms in the basement only: Common sense, really. Most caliber bullets will go right through walls, the consequences of which can be very inconvenient. No problem if you're underground though.
9. If you must perform rituals involving blood, do it in the kitchen: Most kitchen surfaces can be cleansed of blood easily; unlike drywall, carpet, furniture, the pets, my hair, my hands OHMYG-DIT'SEVERYWHERE . . . . . . . . . . sorry. Momentary flashback
10. Never let your parents visit: Self-explanatory.

Either way, then Mom and Dad still foot the bill.