For the Gents:
How to Make This Valentines Day
Something She’ll Never Forget by Amelia G
Slip PCP and six hits of blotter acid in your date’s drink.
Tell her you have just come to terms with the fact that you are gay. Thank her and tell her there was something about her which made you realize it.
Surprise her with a threesome with her friend who always stole her dates in high school.
Tell her you love condoms because they make it so guys can fake it too.
Tell her you don’t love her because she is not open-minded enough to do that thing with the eggplant and the greased potbelly pig.
Shoot her.
Dump her by taking her to Lutece, ordering generously for both of you, and then excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, never to return.
Show up three hours late and explain that your first date of the evening insisted on blowing you just two more times and, being a gentleman, you could hardly refuse.
For the health of your relationship, clear the air by confessing that you are supporting yourself by being a welfare cheat because you feel it is only fair that you send your monthly trust fund payment to a woman who lives in Southern Virginia with your child. I mean the woman is your wife and all.
Dress up in your black leather finest, get an engraved padlock and a diamond ring, buy her a dozen roses, and propose. (Just kidding. Shoot her again to be on the safe side.)
