Allow me to be brutally honest with you; successful punks are as statistically common as hard-ons at a Republican convention. This is in part due to violent antisocial tendencies and a healthy predisposition towards sucking nitrous oxide. A select few have attained success through playing with high caliber weapons and stomping on skulls. The occasional sociological mishaps of success may generally be explained away by a theory I recently overheard, “Behind every satisfied miscreant is an enormous trust fund.”
Some may choose to continue licking the corporate cock by hiding their multicolored hair and donning an Armani suit for their pathetic nine to five shit-sucking jobs. [Note: It is my firmly held belief that most shit-sucking nine to five jobs in no way involve Armani apparel. You are actually thinking of Mafia dons, Colombian drug lords, Axl Rose, or my brother.--Ed.] But I have advice for those tired of being bent over and fucked twice daily by their work situation.
A good career in show business promises fame, fortune, and vast quantities of expensive narcotics. You have a chance to work with individuals who have garnered a reputation for emotional instability which far exceeds even that of the life-sucking dredges of protoplasm who use the scabies-ridden couch in your living room as crash space. Entertainment boasts the three most important benefits available to the alternative bourgeoisie: infinite supplies of illicit substances, sexual opportunities with those well under the age of consent, and the capital to throw incomprehensibly large and out-of-control parties.
Tell Sally Struthers to insert that correspondence school up her aging, bloated ass. The entertainment industry has its dick shoved deeply into the mouth of the American public. Complete manipulation of the media will bring us one step closer to world domination and quality children’s television. In the meantime, the show must go on!
