For Mild Hangovers (Dryer-lint coating tongue, sensation of five to ten pound weight attached to head with ice tongs, trickle of guilt) 50 push-ups or a good wank, liter of ice water, 2 Advil, subdued lighting.

For Actual Hangovers (Lead-based paint coating tongue, sensation of series of five to ten pound weights strung from ten-penny nails driven into eyebrows, temples, and forehead; blurred memory of serious misconduct) Gatorade, Bloody Mary w/extra Tabasco, 4 Advil, disable telephone.

For Actual Hangover+Manual Dysfunction (Above+total inability to cope with mysteriously slippery glasses and bottlecaps) Screw eyes shut and whine pitiably for assistance. Refer any volunteers to above remedy; if no volunteer appears, disable telephone and plot vengeance until unconscious.

*For Einsturzende Neubaten Show in Your Skull (All sound experienced as pain, all motion experienced as tumbling; sensation of 20 gallon rubber sack full of seawater attached to head using industrial heat-gun; low drone of pure self-loathing) Attend to any primary biological needs that present themselves immediately, in bathroom if possible. Once in bathroom, lie on nice cool tile floor until further primary biological needs present themselves. Never presume that because the last round was all dry heaves that the next one will be, too. If capable, shower.