Okay, I would like to say that I was wrong. The years I spent playing Dungeons & Dragons were ill spent. It took eighteen years to find my first girlfriend because my high school years were spent with my friends in their basements playing Dungeon & Dragons. Society had lead me to believe that I should avoid all possible social events ( I didn’t even go to my prom). Hence I became reclusive to my only two friends basements.
So I vented my frustrations with society on poor unsuspecting, fictional trolls and goblins. People noticed this trend. 700 Club started calling the assorted handbooks for D & D “ excerpts from the Black Bible”. Normal people got scared, and branded me a minion of Satan, D & D went underground . . . well sort of.
Then something happened . . . Jim Baker. Televangilists lost their credibility (smirk... like they had any) and D & D started to “Come out”. Help groups sprung up and old gamers gave it up, some came back, and new players flooded the basements. A new generation of anti-Socialites were born.
But I feel deprived of my youth. Where was my blond cheerleader girlfriend, whose parents went away to Europe for the weekends and left me to watch their house, daughter, and ’67 Mustang? I had fun playing D & D, don’t get me wrong, but what have I gained? I can tell you the sum of 5 six-sided dice in under 5 seconds, that invisibility only improves your Armor Class by 2, and that a natural 20 hits anything. Okay now that I have thus served my Lord Satan, where is my girlfriend?
I was accused of being a servant of Baalzebub and didn’t get anything for my service. Well maybe I wasn’t really a servant for the Dark One. I mean it would have been a bitch making sacrifices before every game.
So now I’m forced to decide what I should do with my life. Retail is full of deplorable people . . . Nah, I’ll just continue to mooch off my parental unit until I’m 35. And then complain that I have no control in my life, as I bounce from horrendous part-time job to worse part-time job. Better yet, I’ll do the same thing I did in high school. I’ll shuffle numbers till they work the way I want them to, be reclusive and hermit-like, and only associate with people as poorly socialized, disliked, and mistrusted as myself. I’ll be an accountant.
Accounting to Asmodeus