First, there's the Moral Majority. There are two really horrible things you can do to the Moral Majority. First, call (800) 555-1212 information for the number of the Moral Majority type organization nearest you. Call the number and get the address for contributions to their narrow-minded tyrant campaign. Write this down someplace convenient; you will need it later. Then set up your communications software to redial their number over and over again. This does two things: (1) Every time they pick up the phone, they get blasted in the ear with a connect tone and (2) Every time they answer the phone, their fascist organization gets charged a dollar. Get sixty of your friends to do this. Then leave town for a week while the computer dials away. Next, get a whole lot of bricks. I don't care how or where -- pray to the Brick God or go to a construction site at 2am. Take the bricks and wrap them up really nicely, then mail them to the Moral Majority, postage due. And they will pay.

You've still got some time to kill, so what next? Do you know what the Apple MacIntosh System source code is? It is the DNA to their computers. It is what makes them rich and lets them charge a lot for their computers. It is what they guard like a bunch of inbred mutants (like the British royal family) guards the crown jewels. So what you do is you go to a payphone, and you call their 800 number, and say this: "Yeah, I got a flyer in the mail with the System 6 source code for MacIntosh. I thought that was illegal and I wanted you to know . . . No, I won't give you my name . . . No, I won't send you the flyer . . . I think I should go now" *CLICK* or words to that effect. If you and I and enough of our hoodlum friends do this, they will think someone really has their code, and is giving it away for free.

Lastly, join the First Free Commune of Mars! Yes, now you too can join the ever-swelling ranks of individuals who have abandoned the American Dream to live in comfort and splendor on Mars. Write letters to me declaring your willingness to join us, and we'll all write letters to NASA declaring that through "Advanced Stealth Technology" we have made several hidden rocket launches during Hurricane Andrew, and our "Advanced Stealth Technology" allows us to maintain a hidden satellite in asynchronous orbit over Fairfax, Virginia. I hate NASA. They're a bunch of self-righteous little wanks who have nothing better to do than shoot phallic symbols into space and not invite me. I want Mars for Martians. I want to request aid from the US. I want a seat on the UN. I think it would be cool.