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Blood on the Tracks
by Sarah McKinley Oakes
If you live in the Washington area, you probably hate riding the subway in the summer as much as I do. Not only do you have to put up with the fucking commuter zombies; you also get to enjoy packs of tourists from Iowa who want to touch your pink mohawk and act like it's your responsibility to tell them how to get to the fucking Smithsonian. Here are some fun games to play with tourists which might keep you from climbing to the top of the Washington Monument with a machine gun on the Fourth of July.
- When the asshole in the bermuda shorts demands to know which stop will get him to the zoo, tell him he's in luck: The green line just got finished, and if he gets off at the stop marked 'Anacostia', he can't miss it.
- Tourists hate it when people pierce parts of themselves on the subway. Really hate it. A lot. If you're lucky, you'll be standing near some children with weak stomachs.
- When the bitch with the four snotty kids insists that you explain how the farecard machine works, burst into hysterical tears, scream, "That's not funny!" and run away wailing.
- This last one takes some time and effort, but it's way worth it. Put on a wig to cover your weird hair. If you don't have weird hair, all the better. Put on that nice outfit you have for job interviews and visiting the aunt who always gives you money. Go to the metro and get into a train crowded with tourists. Start a pleasant conversation with the ones around you, where are they from, what monuments have they seen, etc. A few minutes before your stop, let the
conversation die off and stare into the distance. Start muttering, "blood . . . blood . . . blood . . ." Start softly at first and get louder and louder. When the doors open at your station, run off clutching your head and screaming "BLOOD! BLOOD!" at the top of your voice. Fun, fun, fun.
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