You need to get a job. You are bright. You are a hard worker and a fast learner. You just graduated from college and all you want is for someone to give you a chance. You type up your resume in WordPerfect which you are proud of having learned well enough to get by in. You write about your academic distinctions, about rowing crew, about being editor of the school paper, about being a TA for biology, about costuming eight school plays, about the popularity of the college radio show you deejayed, and about being president of science fiction club. You majored in psychology with a concentration in neurobiochemistry. Yet you are personable and well-rounded.

If you try to go on in academia, they will feel you are not focused enough on your field. If you interview in advertising, they will explain their preference for psych majors with more of a social orientation to their studies. If you interview in theatre, they will explain that the distinguished wage of $4.75 which they offer is available only to those dedicated enough to have majored in the theatrical arts. If you interview at Safeway, they will tell you that you are overqualified and that someday you will thank them for rejecting your application for a job that would not fulfill your potential. Hungry and suicidal, you will write a bad check to the same Safeway for over a hundred dollars worth of groceries and razor blades, planning to kill yourself if you don't feel better after a good meal. (I know I was so distraught I bought double-edged razor blades instead of single. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I could have hurt myself.)

Now if you are ready to get serious about employment . . . If you want the academic fellowship, lie back, think of England, and give that prof the old college try. If you want the advertising job, you must remove the part of your resume which talks about your thesis. Neurology is boring to Madison Avenue. Next, you will need to give yourself a few crash courses in software. I recommend PageMaker plus at least one graphics package. Now fabricate a number of layouts advertising collegiate activities -- plays, the campus newspaper, parties, t-shirts for the crew team. Presto, you have a portfolio for an entry level advertising job. For a theatre job, make sure your resume includes every play, rock show, and circus you worked on since you were fifteen. Make sure you cover letter includes numerous examples from before you were fifteen. They won't call your junior high so be creative. Leave your major off your resume for this one. If you must lie about something so easily verified, do so verbally only. If you interview for retail, you may want to leave off your college degree entirely and stress your winning personality and basic math skills. Make sure you claim years and years of part time retail experience. For a management position, you may want to mention your degree if you actually have more than two weeks of experience in the same type of retail establishment.