Do not discuss the term "Xmas". Unless you're using this as pure shorthand, you're fucked. If you use it because the Christ part of Christmas offends you, and you don't even know what the mas part means, then you're ignorant. If you insist on pointing out how X is the initial of the Greek word Christos, then you know too much. You should be made to be the love toy of a battalion of Greek sailors. Stay alert for all those Merry Malcolm Xmas cards due at your local mall Card Shoppe any time now.

Finally, if you ARE going to off yourself this season, do it with some style. Dress up like a member of the G. I. Joe team. Rush into a toy store with a flamethrower. Babble to the Barbies about a broken heart. Swear at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for dodging the draft. Immolate them all screaming, "MOMMY SAID I WAS BAD!" Then turn the flame on yourself. Make sure lots of kids see you. Have a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.