Dear Crack-Smoking Bedwetter,
   Why obviously the so-called wholesome foods you eat (corn nuts, kiwi fruit, and raw lard) have been injected with sinister mind-control drugs by agents of the religious right. Designed to fill you with an uncontrollable urge for prayer, sex with livestock, and black coffee enemas. To protect yourself, do as I do and eat toothpaste, cleaning fluids, and chemical defoliants. On the other hand, maybe you're just demonically possessed. Better give yourself a good stiff trepanning just to be sure. (For those not involved in the psychiatric counseling or exorcism industries, trepanning is the art of knocking holes someone's head to let the evil spirits escape.)

Dear Scott and Steve,
   What do you get when you mix mysteriously slow with curiously fast and outrageously drunk?
      -- Puzzled

Dear Uninitiated Receptacle for Unclean Fluids,
   The admixture of various drug groups is not for the weak or pure of organ. The mixture of THC, crystal methedrine, and vast quantities of liquor can possibly result in death or loss of brain function. BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE AN UNWORTHY SERVITOR CREATURE! Only through the excessive use of ALL available drug groups can you activate your latent psycho-sexual powers. Success is virtually guaranteed!
   Yeah, but only if you don't mind looking like something out of a biochemist's nightmare. Like the time Scott spent an afternoon snorting Vasopressin and extract of human pineal glands until magenta tentacles burst out of his eye sockets . . . THAT was charming as all get out.

    Unlucky in love? Confused by cocktail party etiquette? Possessed by ancient demons which drive you to eat the flesh of the living? Ask Scott and Steve, Black Leather Times, 14207 Chesterfield Road, Rockville, MD 20853. Write now or we'll sneak into your home at night and drain all the fluids from your sleeping body with a turkey baster!