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by Maggie Leslie
- Halloween -
1. Your preparations for Halloween include:
A. Hanging up fake cobwebs, carving pumpkins, and carefully selecting a variety of wholesome, sugar-free goodies for trick-or-treaters.
B. Buying a lot of candy and throwing on the same costume you wear every year.
C. Going to the store at 4pm on October 31 and grabbing a handful of Hershey's Kisses at the bulk food section of your local supermarket.
D. Going to a movie, a park, a bar, anything to get out of this sick ritual.
E. Cleverly mining your front yard with anti-personnel mines, bear traps and poisonous snakes.
2. When the doorbell rings for the first time on Halloween you:
A. Rush to answer the door, goodie bowl in hand.
B. Finish what you were doing before answering the door.
C. Look out the window to see if the costumes are worthy of a Snickers bar.
D. Turn out the lights and pretend you are not home.
E. Answer the door, lure the little darlings inside, flay them and nail their little skins to your door as a warning to others.
3. You view Halloween as:
A. A fine opportunity for children to dress up, meet their neighbors and blow off a little steam.
B. Harmless.
C. Nothing but a damn nuisance.
D. A sick tradition which encourages little children to become
beggars and welfare mothers.
E. A good excuse to commit hideous crimes which the police will no doubt pin on the rambunctious little pranksters down the street.
- Thanksgiving -
4. To you Thanksgiving:
A. Is a much looked forward to holiday which gives every American a chance to reflect on his/her heritage and spend time with his/her family.
B. Is an excuse to eat enough to choke the 7th fleet before 2pm, lie around watching football until 7 when you eat 3 more turkey sandwiches and 2 more pieces of pumpkin pie, puke and pass out among the sweet potato peels.
C. Is an opportunity for your parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandparents, nephews, nieces, and their dates to sit around and criticize your choice of lifestyle and your haircut from the big people's table while you sit at some piece of crap card table trying to hide under your mashed potatoes.
D. Means time to buy razor blades because there are only 30 shopping days left 'til Xmas!!!
E. Is an excuse to try that new Swanson Hungry Man Dinner for One dinner with cranberry sauce.
5. The relatives you see on Thanksgiving:
A. Bring an annual ray of joy into your life..
B. Are alright once a year.
C. Suck.
D. Relatives? My relatives can't be bothered.
E. Would look much better stuffed and mounted on the living room wall.
6. Thanksgiving dinner:
A Is your favorite dinner of the year.
B. Is really huge.
C. Makes you thankful that your mom only cooks once a year.
D. Makes you wish you had a McNugget and some arsenic.
E. Is the much awaited opportunity to exterminate your whole family with one grand gesture and clear the way for your inheritance.
If you answered any question 'A', you are an overly adjusted smurf who
should be laminated and stuck in the Smithsonian as an example of Family Values.
- If most of your answers were 'B's and 'C's, you are normal. 'Nuff said.
- If you answered 'D' to any question, lighten the fuck up and burn your Joy Division albums.
- If you answered E to any question, you are a seriously sick and twisted individual. So what?
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